Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Two years on...

Dear S,

Two years, two painful years. That’s how long it has been. Just two years.

I still remember the day vividly. The tears, the pain, the suffocation. The day I lost everything I wanted in life. Today, I sit and I look back in agony. Agony, because I look at my life today, and I still need you, more than you will ever understand, more than I sometimes realize.

Need. That’s a strong word. That’s what I keep coming back to. Love, I find, is fleeting, a happy feeling that passes through your body - a hormonal response, driven toward our evolutionary need to find a mate. I have always felt that toward you, but that is not what makes you unique to me, special. Need. Now that, is not something you feel toward just anybody.

Ever since we grew close, I needed you. No matter the distance, you were there. In my happiest moments, you were there, laughing and sharing my joys. In every painful moment, I never felt alone, because you would always be there, listening and making me feel a little less alone. Alone. A feeling I have not been able to shake in the last two years.

I was watching clips of some of the movies we grew up watching. I chanced upon the song New York Nagaram, from Sillunu Oru Kaadhal. I couldn’t help but connect. “Naangu Kannadi Suvargalukkullae, Naanum Mezhuguvaththiyum, Thanimai Thanimayo.. Kodumai Kodumaiyo.” That, sums up my life.
You know more than anyone, I abhor human interaction. I always preferred my own company. But you, you were always a part of that. Wait, you say, that doesn’t make sense. It does. You were never a separate entity. Ever since you said yes on the afternoon of May 5, 2007, you were a part of me. Every moment of my life since, I calculated. I weighed every action against what you would think of me. And you were always there, supporting, understanding, loving.

I was and continue to be a loner. There are just some things about yourself that you can never change I suppose. But I tried S. I tried to change. I tried to not be in pain every moment of every day. But it’s like Surya sings. The more I get out, the more I find myself surrounded by people, the more those glass walls close in, and that dimmer that one candle keeping me going gets.

I utter your name so many times a day. I look up at the moon and only tears come down. I got a bike, and I push myself to pain riding it, because I need the other pain to stop. But it never does. When I’m riding up the toughest climbs, I feel a fleeting glimpse of accomplishment. I turn around to tell you. You aren’t there. That, is my life without you.

Every small success, every small failure. Your absence is a void. A black hole. I need you. And, I don’t know how to express that need. I’ve said some stupid things. Done and nearly done even stupider (and scary) things. And I recognize above everything, that I, in the end screwed any chance I’d ever have of being with you.

So pain, is what I’ll live with. Till you decide to let me back in – which I guess will be never. So many, talk about “moving on”. “Overcome your grief”. “Get back on my feet”. They don’t realize that it never matters whether I accomplish all that. They only know love. They don’t know need. They don’t know of that hole, need leaves in your soul. I may walk, and talk and appear okay on the surface, but that hole will never fill up, because I need.

Need is only known to the young boy in the hardest of shells that was broken down by a young girl, with nothing but a smile. Need, is only known the bullied young kid, who would always turn to his angel, to not feel alone. Need is only known to kid who’s dreams for life, didn’t circle around being rich and famous, but centred around happiness – happiness, with you. Not a day goes by, where I don’t think of you and your smile. Not a day goes by, where I don’t consider our future imaginary children (I still remember their names). Not a day goes by, where I don’t break into tears, thinking of what could have been, what should have been, what should be – if only I hadn’t screwed it up.

I say this now, two years on from the worst day of my life, despite you being far away, despite knowing that you probably will never see this, despite knowing, at this point, you probably don’t care. I will never, ever stop needing you. I will never, ever stop loving you. In every small thing I do, there will always be - you, as a source of inspiration that will never die. And with every small success and every small failure, I will always turn around to tell you. I hope, against all reasonable and realistic hope, that someday, you will be there to listen.

Yours, now and forever,

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